Practicalmadness

After almost two years of waiting for a Survivor cast to be as argumentative and nasty as the original crew, last night we finally got a bitchfest worthy of the reality genre.

Having eliminated every member of the once-dominant Rotu Alliance, Kathy (the grating hippie real estate agent), Paschal (the earnest Southern judge), Neleh (Paschal's pixie-chick sidekick), Sean (the Black Panther-by-way-of-Chris Tucker) and Vecepia (the mildly creepy corporate manager-cum-other token black contestant) are the final five, but they have a problem: their alliance is actually more a confederacy of smaller alliances, specifically Paschal/Neleh (who have a father/daughter thing as well as a god thing going on) and Sean/Vecepia (who bonded as the only black people in the game, as well as a god thing going on), loosely joined at the hip by Kathy who has been in danger of being voted off since day one. Basically, each of the smaller alliances (which conveniently don't consider themselves to be alliances) believes that the others are going to target them for being too powerful, and their response to this threat is to, well, ally with the other member of their non-alliance.

Are you still following this? If yes, you've been watching the show. If not, don't worry about it -- all that matters is that Vee, in her corporate creepiness, decides that they need to open up a dialogue and discuss their feelings as a group. Which they do, although I don't think an evening of slinging accusations back and forth like crazed lawyers is what she had in mind.

The reward challenge was the dreaded "super-challenge", a six-part obstacle course comprised of elements from six previous challenges. Sean wins it easily (the first two or three stages were from the only challenges he did really, really well) and gets a new Saturn VUE. Yes, that's right, a new Saturn VUE. Cue glamour shots of Sean in his new car. Cut to shiny red exterior of the car. Pan over the sleek, feature-packed dashboard. Ooooooh, shiny. Caaaar. Must buy one right now!

The immunity challenge was another rehash, the "Blair Witch" challenge where the Survivors must listen to and then remember a local folktale, and the first person to answer five questions about it correctly is immune from the next vote. Kathy and Neleh are neck and neck, but then each drops a tiki toy on the way to the finish line. Kathy finds hers first, and wins the Ugliest Necklace Ever.

At Tribal Council, the super-bitch-fest that is to come starts when host Jeff Probst prods Kathy into putting her Immunity necklace up for sale, and Sean comes out to pledge his and Vecepia's votes in exchange for immunity. Kathy -- a little too happy to have this much power over the game -- starts slamming Sean/Vee for having an alliance and then lying about it. Paschal jumps in. Sean slams Paschal for having an alliance with Neleh and then lying about it. Neleh (sooo cuuute...) says she and Paschal don't have an alliance, they just promised never to vote each other off. Sean's head explodes at the idea that they could promise never to vote for each other and not consider that an alliance. Vecepia says they need to explore areas of opportunity for bonding and attaining tribal synergy. Then -- finally, for the first time this season -- fire shoots out of everyone's mouths and Probst's Mephistophilean smirk reigns over the flaming wreckage of sanity. Yep, Survivor is finally back.

Anyway, Sean was voted out, 3-2. (Guess which three and you win a cookie.)

The Final Four are: Kathy, Paschal, Neleh and Vecepia. They will fight it out for the million-dollar cash prize this Sunday on the two-hour finale, then give it all back just to stop the hammering in their heads as they are forced to endure the worst torment yet: the live, hour-long Reunion special hosted by Rosie O'Donnell. (Which will be worse? Having to be around Sarah and the Robfathah again, or Rosie? Only one way to find out...)