Practicalmadness

"I have a career, clients, a girlfriend, priorities. I must find the time to become a squirrel, one that sings." - Ftrain

I am showing him a flicker film. I am showing archival footage of my family. I am showing him a walking piece. It is clear that he is not impressed.

"So how's the project?" asked Frederic, who hasn't seen me, the prodigal student, in two weeks. This is more serious than you might think, as I am taking two of Frederic's classes and have managed to miss two weeks' worth of both of them. If I weren't a senior working on a (presumably) major project, I would have been failed by now.

"The project," I begin, "is an unmitigated disaster," and I then proceed to place the blame on having shot not a single frame of video in four weeks of production time on:

» My unreliable, goldbricking performers, who "just keep not showing up". This is because I am not calling them.

» My own inexperience/inability to get others involved with and duly excited about my projects. (This much we know is true.)

» Work. Fully ten minutes of our discussion was spent talking about the general insanity of working even two days a week at a Starbucks on Michigan Avenue during the holiday season, and of course, it's too late to get out of any of it. Unless, of course, (heh heh heh heh heh) I quit.

» Home. Bills, bills, electrical fires, more bills, the well of misery and despair that I keep, tend and cultivate. It looks suspiciously like a brown swivel chair.

» A man from mars who eats up cars, bars, guitars, shoots you dead, eats your head, et al.

What I did not say was that I'm suffering from fear of failure, and in true Demaree style, I am dealing with this fear by facing it head-on. This is a very admirable plan if one is trying to conquer a fear of (for example) snakes or very large ice cream cones, but it is not always prudent (I trust you'll agree) to deal with a fear of failure by procrastinating, skipping class and standing up the people who can help you.

I am scheduled for another meeting with Frederic on Friday; how we left it was, if I can get anything shot before then -- anything at all -- we will meet and decide how to proceed. If not, we won't, which will pretty much seal my fate.

All of this would have been so much easier if I had made a movie over the last week in October instead of taking the week off. Now the last eight years of my life just might end up wasted because I don't feel like getting out of bed until 9.

All this just makes me want to go back to bed.