Practicalmadness

Ain't It Cool is running what they are claiming as the first review of The Matrix Reloaded anywhere. However, those of us attracted to the Matrix series for its skillful blending of chop-socky and philisophical sci-fi will be less than thrilled by this reviewer's take on the plot:

WARNING: THIS PARAGRAPH IS ABOUT THE PLOT AND IT’S BORING AND THERE’S NO ASS-KICKING IN IT BUT I USE THE WORD “F**K” THREE TIMES TO HELP GET THROUGH IT

I still don’t get the plot of the first one, and this one’s all talking about “choices” (over and over again to where you think you’re watching that f**king Chicktime network) and “prophecies” and especially words like “anomaly” and “exile” (and who the f**k even knows what those words mean?) and there’s this long speech at the end that I also didn’t get. Also, you find out all this deep stuff, like about The Cookie Lady from the first movie and they introduce all these other characters like a Key Guy and a Frenchie Dude and another Frenchie but guess what it’s okay ‘cuz the other Frenchie’s a chick and she’s got cleavage you could hide a rump roast in and also this ex-girlfriend of Murphus and there’s this new guy on the ship flying it around, I think he’s from OZ (don’t worry, no butt rape). And Neo and Memento Babe are all PDA every second, and they also “do it” and one time I thought I saw Memento Babe’s nip but it was one of those metal ring things that everyone’s got on ‘em so no jacking off when the DVD comes out.

See, this is one of my pet peeves. If you're going to be so vehement about something, wouldja at least try to learn the characters' names? Neo. Morpheus. Trinity. Is that so hard?

Here’s my blurb if they’re putting blurbs in ads: “MATRIX: KINGDOM OF ASS-KICKING is like if all of Anthrax’s albums formed into a hot chick who had to f**k you ten times a day or she gets pee-cancer.”

On second thought, I think I may wait until the second or third day to see it, just so I don't run into any heavy metal psychos who are coming to see if one can really hide a rump roast in Monica Bellucci's breasts.

Sigh. Thank god it'll only be playing in the snobby part of town...

In short: movie probably pretty good. Reviewer needs not to check his mail for a few days.