Strange weather

Fri Jan 23 2004

So far, everyone I tell about my trip has said the same thing: "dayamn, it's cowld up theah in Chicahgo!" (Except for the nice German lady, who said "mein gott, ist cold up zere in Chicago!")

According to Weather.com, the current temperature in the Loop is 23°, "feels like 13°," with light snow falling. This is, of course, quite cold, but entirely normal and tolerable by Chicago standards, whereas my co-workers were bitching and agog(!) when the mercury dared to drop below 35° last week.

At any rate, people are never quite able to get a handle on the idea that someone can be prepared for Chicago weather when coming from the comparatively balmy Alabama sunshine. It's like, I say "I know, it's okay," and they're like, "no, dude, you don't understand. It's cold in Chicago." And I say I know, and they're like, no, you don't know. How can you know? How can anyone know?? It is unknown!!

My provisions are thus far broken down into "kits" -- I have the Computer Kit, the Bathroom Kit and the In Case Of Plane Crash In The Alps Human Flesh Cooking Kit. My Winter Weather Kit is as follows:

  • Two pairs of 180s-brand wraparound ear warmers, only one of which was found on the sidewalk in Lincoln Park
  • Two pairs of gloves, one faux leather with a faux lambswool lining, the other faux leather and neoprene. (Probably faux neoprene.)
  • Red Kangol stocking cap with storied history and itchy inner lining.
  • Two pairs fuzzy (faux) woolen socks from the Gap.
  • Gorilla Feet, which is to say, a pair of fuzzy slippers in the shape of gorilla heads. Size 11.
  • Fleecy blanket emblazoned with Starbucks logo. Will be used if temperature drops below 20°, or in aforementioned human flesh-eating scenario.
  • Black fedora hat, with Worst Case Scenario-brand guide on What To Do If Some Idiot Asks, "Hey, Are You One Of Those Black Hats?"
  • A sweater with snowflakes on it, because it just wouldn't be winter in the Midwest without a truly ridiculous snowflake-ridden sweater.

Those concerned about the contents of my In Case Of Plane Crash In The Alps Human Flesh Cooking Kit (ICOPCITAHFCK), worry not. If forced into that regrettable (but, let's face it, inevitable) scenario, I will be well-prepared.

While FAA/TSA regulations prohibit passengers like myself from having knives, blowtorches, Presto Logs, bone saws and La Creuset pans in the cabin, there is no such rule preventing such things from being in one's carry-on baggage, and I would assume that amidst the total breakdown of order and human decency that would follow a catastrophic plane crash in the Alps, someone would have the kindness to break into the cargo hold for me us, allowing ready access to the ICOPCITAHFCK.

You may be wondering why such preparations for a crash in the Alps are necessary, especially for a flight from Birmingham to Chicago, both of which are (as of last check) well inside the continental United States. I say that it's that kind of thinking that caught us off-guard on 9/11. When Al-Qaeda attacks next, they will not strike at our cities or our infrastructure or even our beloved reality talent show programming.

No, they will strike at our American traditions of reason and logic, and in such a post-de-reconstructionist environment, who is to say with any certainty that a plane flying from Birmingham to Chicago will not potentially fly over, and crash-land in, the Swiss Alps? And who is to say that it is insane to spend one's entire life carrying around Presto Logs and a bone saw in the unlikely event that a total breach in the fabric of space-time as a result of a terrorist attack will necessitate snowbound cannibalism?

I see that you have answers to both of those questions, and as such, have ceased to listen.