Misanthropic pickup lines

Sun Feb 08 2004

From my journal, Idee Fixe: a selection of slightly problematic pickup lines and conversation starters, guaranteed to leave any hot girl, cool guy or hapless single-serving friend scratching their head, obviously because you're so cool that they don't have to get the joke or understand why it's not an insult.

  • So how about that local sports team?
  • Have you accepted saviour as your personal Jesus?
  • Hi. Could you please justify your existence in twenty words or less?
  • You know, they make products that'll clear those cold sores right up.
  • Hey, didja hear about the two-headed baby?? HA HA HA HA!!!1
  • Well, yeah, the real ending of Memento is...sorry, I've said too much. No, I don't want to ruin for you. No, seriously, I've never seen it.
  • You have nice tits. Wanna fuck?2
  • (Stony silence that obviously speaks volumes, they're just too stupid to pick up on it. Sighs. Typical bourgeois suburban white kid, too busy worrying about Xtina or where they're going to score some heroin to read anything into my stony silence! I mean, like, WTF???)
  • Yeah, so, I'm a musician. Oh, what instrument do I play? Ahem. Uh, GarageBand.3
  • I was watching this thing on the History Channel about Great Nazi Weapons of 1943-1945 and...oh, lord, I didn't see the Star of David around your neck. Uh, damn...uh...so, like, you're Jewish? That is so cool!!!
  • Well, skin me alive and call me luggage. (Crickets chirping.) No, dude, I'm seriously into that shit.

We now return to your regularly scheduled sanity.

1 "Two...headed...BOOYYYY!!!!"

2 This one is especially fun when used to start a conversation with another guy.

3 NO IT IS NOT A CHILD'S PLAYTHING!!! (Takes toys. Walks off playground. Plays with GarageBand.)