Practicalmadness

MPAA President Jack Valenti, Hollywood’s designated lobbyist in Washington for nearly four decades, is retiring, and over at Lawrence Lessig’s weblog, Tim Wu has posted a fantastic list of some of the most memorable Valentisms from that long, long, long career.

On the nascent cable industry, in 1974
“[Cable will become] a huge parasite in the marketplace, feeding and fattening itself off of local television stations and copyright owners of copyrighted material. We do not like it because we think it wrong and unfair.”

On the public domain, 1995
“A public domain work is an orphan. No one is responsible for its life. But everyone exploits its use, until that time certain when it becomes soiled and haggard, barren of its previous virtues. How does the consumer benefit from the steady decline of a film’s quality?”

On the meaning of Copyright, 1983
“[We face a threat to] the life-sustaining protection, I guess you would call it, on which copyright owners depend, on which film people depend, on which television people depend and it is called copyright.”

On the meaning of value, 1983
“Nothing of value is free. It is very easy … to convince people that it is in their best interest to give away somebody else’s property for nothing, but even the most guileless among us know that this is a cave of illusion where commonsense is lured and then quietly strangled.”

If you’re noticing a pattern here, it should not surprise you to hear that this is how Washington lobbyists work, and Valenti has been a supremely effective lobbyist. If there’s a lobbyist out there representing the baby-killing industry, and Congress tries to enact legislation that is detrimental to the baby-killing industry, then you had better believe that somewhere, someone would be writing an editorial that goes something like this:

On baby-killing, 2004
“It is very easy to convince people, perhaps by using television commercials with soft-focus cinematography and sentimental music, that it is somehow immoral to kill babies for profit. But we here know better that this is a skanky-looking van or large sedan of illusion where commonsense is lured with candy and then violated, violated some more, strangled to death, and then violated some more. And we as Americans cannot allow that! We must push this legislation forward!”

Two things, briefly, about this preview of the poster for the Jack Valenti biopic, Valenti, slated to hit theaters in 2008:

1. It’s not real. And even if it were real, I’m sorry, but Anthony Hopkins will never be as sexy and dramatically lit as Jack Valenti himself.

2. I unfortunately have to, like, make pictures smaller(?) to fit them on this web site? And so you’ll be unable to read the rating at the bottom of the poster. Parents will be pleased to know that Valenti is rated RS (Really Stupid), which means that there is no sexy stuff but plenty of disturbing violence involving chainsaws and babies, and lots of strong language about intellectual property. No one under 7 admitted without a tub of popcorn and nachos from the concession stand. Three drink minimum.