Practicalmadness

To: Association of Motion Picture and Television Producers (AMPTP)
From: David Nemesis
Subject: The WGA Strike

Dear AMPTP,

I understand from several of the voices in my head who follow this sort of thing that you are having a disagreement with the two branches of the Writers’ Guild of America (WGA), the union representing America’s film and television-but-not-animated-or-reality-television writers. And as a consequence, the talented members of this organization have taken to standing outside your various sprawling production complexes holding up signs, instead of developing the charming, pithy stories we love so well.

To wit, here is a photograph of the lovely and talented Ms. Tina Fey, shown here picketing, and pointedly not masterminding the further adventures of Liz Lemon, Jack Donaghy and that crazy Tracy Jordan for her series 30 Rock:

Now, I know you are aware of the various points over which you and these writers of film and non-reality television are not in agreement. But just to recap them briefly:

• The writers feel that rather than receiving a residual fee of four cents per unit on the sale of those popular “DVD” discs the kids are into nowadays, they should receive an amount greater than four cents. You believe they should be receiving an amount less than four cents, because apparently it costs money to produce these DVD discs, and you were somehow unaware of this fact when you agreed to pay the writers that amount two decades ago.

• The writers also feel that they should receive a greater amount from the sale of internet downloads than for DVDs, because while DVDs cost money to produce and deliver to our fine American retailers, a download from Apple’s popular iTunes Store can be piped into a consumer’s home much more profitably. Of course, almost none of you have agreed to sell your wares via Apple’s service, but the same principle holds true for your preferred distribution partners, Amazon.com, Microsoft and Ridiculously Locked-Down Digital Crap Shack Inc. Which leads me to the next point…

• It is your position that while you have begun offering high-definition streaming videos of your television programming on various web sites, and have been profitably selling advertising to subsidize this service, these streaming videos are themselves merely “promotional devices” for the regular TV broadcasts of these shows. The writers feel that this is bullshit, as many viewers who don’t care to pay for cable or a TiVo have begun watching the webcasts instead of the broadcasts, and even if they weren’t, what the fuck, dudes? When you sell advertising on something like it’s a real product and then insist that it’s actually itself an advertisement, it seems almost like you’re trying to screw people over. And when one is as talented at screwing people over as you are, my Hollywood friends, it should never look like you’re having to work at it.

• The writers — whose Guild’s agreement with you for certain minimum compensation extends only to those professionals working on scripted television series, not reality shows or animated programs — also feel that it’s time for reality TV/animation writers to enjoy the same four-cent residual and massive patina of self-loathing that are just two of the many privileges of WGA membership. Obviously, you guys disagree, and would like to continue pretending that shit that happens on The Hills is totally not staged at all.

I, your humble correspondent, respect your views on these matters as you are both richer and (usually) better dressed than I am. However, this situation has resulted in an unacceptable scenario in which production has been halted on television series which I not only enjoy, but around whose new episodes I schedule my very life.

If not for the flutters of anticipation in the hours leading up to a first-run episode of 30 Rock, how the hell am I to know that it’s Thursday? Should I start keeping a sheet of paper on my wall with labels and grid lines to indicate the days of the week? Or should I perhaps start keeping an electronic device in my pocket with a button that, when pressed, tells me the date and time? Are we living in the dark ages or something?

I also beg you to consider the chilling effect this may have on people like myself, who would totally be working on screenplays and spec pilots right now if only they (a) were not wary of trying to break into a profession where thinking up new and different ways to screw up Heroes may not enough to put food on their family table, and (b) weren’t busier still improving their World of Warcraft game. My idea for a sci-fi series in which a crotchety yet brilliant forensics robot solves mysteries with the aid of a team of young replicants who do nothing but spout one-liners and have sex with each other could be the future of your industry. But now you may never see it.

But seriously though, folks — we are hurtling with speed toward a dangerous cataclysm. And I’m not talking about a future where NBC becomes a non-stop, 24-hour Deal or No Deal marathon, or the bleak prospect of never finding out why the hell some robots in deep space are hallucinating a Bob Dylan song on Battlestar Galactica.

No, my friends: we are facing the clear and present danger of a world in which I do not get my 30 Rock fix. And as I, David Nemesis, am the third evilest man on the internet, you cannot comprehend the horrors that will be unleashed upon the world if this comes to pass.

These horrors may include, but are not limited to:

• Making microscopic dings on the doors of your Bentleys, Maybachs, Lexuses, BMWs and Priuses

• Opening a McDonalds franchise in the middle of Beverly Hills to depress property values

• Moving to California so I can vote there, building a mixed-use development containing luxury condominiums, a seven-star hotel and a restaurant so exclusive only Jeffrey Katzenberg, the cast of 30 Rock and the ghost of Stanley Kubrick can get in, then voting in favor of a ballot proposition to raise your property taxes and give drivers licenses to illegal Mexican immigrants whose names begin with an odd-numbered letter

• Taking out a full page ad in USA Today explaining that John Krasinski and Jenna Fischer (“Jim” and “Pam” on the popular British retread The Office) are actually cousins

• Going to crowded eateries at lunchtime and paying with cash instead of Debit MasterCard

• Buying six or seven more video iPods from Apple, out of spite

• Reading more of them things with the words printed on the paper…you know, books

You have, in short, been warned. I therefore demand an immediate resumption of negotiations, leading to a new contract in which the writers get a fair deal, and in which Tina Fey gets several million (more) dollars in return for agreeing never to give Jack a quirky cookie jar hobby again.

I eagerly await your next move.

Your friend,

David Nemesis